Sorting Life Out

Hello, happy new year!

Like every other post on the media, this post will speak about the transition of 2016 to 2017. At first, writing a summary of 2016 feels more tempting. But having read a book about writing and did blog walking, I made a decision: instead of describing my life events, I will write about.. anything that I want to write about 2016.

I started to ask myself these questions before starting to write: What makes 2016 special? What is the most significant thing that happened in my life during this year? What did I learn?

Scanning my memories, I recalled several things that happened in my life: made a commitment with Rizky and took it to a further step, experienced life in Bali, said goodbye to laboratory senpai and Indonesian best friends that graduated from the uni, went around Jakarta in 40 days for the sake of thesis data, working on thesis… all of which made me realized: this year, I did put lots of effort to sort my mind, my feelings, and above all – my life.

And what does it supposes to mean?

For me, it means that in 2016, having a new plus one around (although it is not that “official” yet), I learned to have a better time management: a switch between priorities, a compromise between plan and action without ruining the ultimate goal. Trying to be a flexible idealist, one might say. As a perfectionist planner who hates to have anyone ruin my plan (I only allow myself to ruin it), this task was not easy for me. I was hating myself for not being discipline, but at the same time, I did realize the choice that I made was something that I need to do. This ‘sorting the time’ activity has reached another level, way above the one that I usually do when I am simply thinking about my own schedule. Feels like a good training, though. Because how on earth will I spend my whole life with one person when I still have my ego saying I should prioritize my interest above all matters?

A social issue is another thing that I need to cope with during 2016. I met new people, those who unexpectedly being such good friends to me. However, this year I also had to say goodbye to some of my acquittances, those who left me to move on to another chapter of their life, or those who I left because I am the one who needs to move on. I might look flat and emotionless on the surface but an introvert just doesn’t let their deepest emotion showed in front of others.

However, there is one time during 2016, when I lost my control. I was in such a mess that I might show my deepest emotion out of nowhere – it might be something that someone said, or something that this place reminded me, practically, anything can trigger the sentimental version of me coming. It was during the last month of the year: December. Overwhelmed with expectations that I actually need not worried about, thesis progress, feeling being left by most of the closest people in my life, plus remembering the fact that I will leave this country in less than 3 months; all just bursted out, leaving me in despair.

When you hit your lowest point, the first thing you should do is to allow yourself sometime for stress. You started by acknowledging your feeling, then allowing your emotion out, and at the end you realize: after sometime, you finally enable yourself to feel. Nothing to be ashamed about it. A friend of mine said it is an important step and a part of recovery process.

After having my emotion out, I then started to sort my feelings. Longing in grief might be easier, but life must go on, isn’t it? I cannot say I am successfully sorted all my feelings out. I did manage to accept something the way it is. I am, however, still learning to embrace the fact that I should be grateful and being supportive for anything happen to me and my closest one. Because when something looks wrong in the first place maybe it will develop you in a better way instead. Who knows?